


Age Zero to One: Zadkiel Spawn of Beelzebub Prince of Hell and the Archangel Fucking Gabriel as Raised by Anthony J. Crowley and The Angel of the Eastern Gate Aziraphale

by orphan_account



Series: Zadkiel Spawn of Beelzebub Prince of Hell and the Archangel Fucking Gabriel as Raised by Anthony J. Crowley and The Angel of the Eastern Gate Aziraphale [2]
Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Background Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens), Background Ineffable Bureaucracy, Fluff, Footnotes, Humor, Ineffable Bureaucracy (Good Omens), Ineffable Dads, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Kid Fic, M/M, Mild Angst, Non-Graphic Mentions of Baby Grossness, Slice of Life, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-19
Updated: 2019-07-19
Packaged: 2020-07-08 19:09:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19874611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Zadkiel Spawn of Beelzebub Prince of Hell and the Archangel Fucking Gabriel as Raised by Anthony J. Crowley and The Angel of the Eastern Gate Aziraphale was a perfectly normal human baby. His parents had checked over his hoofywooffies and carefully checked his chubby little body for any signs of angel dust, wing scars, a wide variety of reptile shaped growths, or even the hint of horns.Probably not required but you should probably read "The Effort" to get a basic understanding of the plot.Marked complete but chapters will be added as  they come to mind.





	1. The Naming

**Author's Note:**

> Because of the use of footnotes this fic is best read "Chapter by Chapter" rather than "Entire Work."

Zadkiel Spawn of Beelzebub Prince of Hell and the Archangel Fucking Gabriel as Raised by Anthony J. Crowley and The Angel of the Eastern Gate Aziraphale, had been born on October 21st around 9am give or take fifteen or so minutes. His birth parents had been more focused on how to birth a baby than recording his exact time of birth.

Zadkiel Spawn of Beelzebub Prince of Hell and the Archangel Fucking Gabriel as Raised by Anthony J. Crowley and The Angel of the Eastern Gate Aziraphale was a perfectly normal human baby. His parents had checked over his hoofywoofies[1]and carefully checked his chubby little body for any signs of angel dust, wing scars, a wide variety of reptile shaped growths, or even the hint of horns. He is a perfectly normal human baby of about three and a half kilos with deep black hair and Elizabeth Taylor blue eyes. His skin was all pink and he turned an awful shade of red when he screamed and wailed. He smelled like baby powder, milk, and the slight hint of cologne from snuggling his parents.

Zadkiel, Spawn of Beelzebub Prince of Hell and the Archangel Fucking Gabriel as Raised by Anthony J. Crowley and The Angel of the Eastern Gate Aziraphale was a perfectly normal human baby with a slightly less than normal family.

On October 22nd around 9pm The Angel of the Eastern Gate and the former Serpent of Eden officially became father-like beings. The door to the bookshop closed and they were left alone with Zadkiel Spawn of Beelzebub Prince of Hell and the Archangel Fucking Gabriel as Raised by Anthony J. Crowley and The Angel of the Eastern Gate Aziraphale.

They decided that was a bit of a mouthful.

It took twenty-three days for the pair to come up with a proper name for the child. In that time they had taken him to the local pediatrician[2]. For some reason, the staff completely ignored the lack of a proper name or birth records. Zadkiel, Spawn of Beelzebub Prince of Hell and the Archangel Fucking Gabriel as Raised by Anthony J. Crowley and The Angel of the Eastern Gate Aziraphale was just a normal human baby who was checked over and sent home with several nice pamphlets and a schedule for future health checks.

"We will not call him Crowley-Fell." Aziraphale asserted for the umpteenth time. "It sounds awful and Fell isn't even my last name." They'd had the exact argument when they'd married.

"You don't even have a last name, angel. A.Z. Fell doesn't even stand for anything." Crowley was busy wrestling the baby into a cloth nappie printed with flowers[3]. He was usually the one on changing duty. Poor Aziraphale just hadn't found the stomach for it yet.

"I don't need a last name. I'm an angel. You like to be flashy." He obediently held out the bin they used for the baby's various waste products. It had been miracled to remain blessedly odor-free.

"Easier to blend in." He corrects once he gets the final snap to connect. "The boy needs a proper name if he's going to be a proper human. Can't be too angel-y either. He's already going to get looks. Zadkiel[4] was always a nice guy, but his name isn't exactly normal for a human."

Aziraphale flops inelegantly onto the window seat located in the nursery. Crowley sits a little more gingerly before leaning into his husband. Zadkiel lays perfectly propped in his lap and flaps his fat little arms. It's always the perfect temperature in the room for a baby and Crowley has perfect access to rubbing his sweet little baby tummy.

"I know you want him to have a bit of both of us, my dear, but I don't think it's possible." Aziraphale strokes through Crowley's red hair with one perfectly manicured hand.

"You know once we name him we have to keep him." The demon tries to deflect the embarrassing fact that he does want their son's name to reflect both of father-like beings equally. He doted on the little beast with all the love a demon could muster but he insisted it was so the baby wouldn't come out with weird, repressed memories.

"I'm very certain She couldn't pry him away from you." The angel teases just to make the demon huff and sputter. "You call yourself Anthony Crowley."

"Jay. Don't forget the jay."

"Yes, yes. His last name should be Crowley. That's a perfectly acceptable name. Zadkiel Crowley."

Crowley considers this and mouths out the name a few times. "Ezra for the middle name then. That's what you have the humans call you."

"Z-E-K? Awful." The angel shakes his head. He's grown out his hair a little and lets it properly curl. "Azra. Azira is awkward. Azra sounds very modern. We can call him Zac! That's a very cute name." His eyes light up at the very idea. He turns that look to Crowley who groans. He can never say no.

"Zadkiel Azra Crowley then. We have to keep him now." He carefully lifts Zadkiel Azra Crowley formerly known as Zadkiel Spawn of Beelzebub Prince of Hell and the Archangel Fucking Gabriel as Raised by Anthony J. Crowley and The Angel of the Eastern Gate Aziraphale into his arms. He grins wide and mischievous. "A right flashy name for when he's being a little shit."

"Crowley! Language!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 Which he didn't have. He had ten normal human toes.[return to text]
> 
> 2 They only knew so much about human baby bodies and they had agreed to try and give the baby as normal a life as possible.[return to text]
> 
> 3 Cloth diapers were the wave of the feature, according to many articles online. The fact that they came in such cute patterns just made Aziraphale smile. [return to text]
> 
> 4 They might have been acquaintances once. Crowley never elaborated. The angel had disappeared sometime after the binding of Isaac and a demon had risen out of the sulphur pools. She could be cruel.[return to text]


	2. The Near Discorporations of The Angel of the Eastern Gate Aziraphale

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know a thing about babies. I'm googling so many baby things my CIA agent probably thinks I'm pregnant.

As far as babies went Zadkiel Azra Crowley, Zac for short, was a good baby. He didn't cry too much. He mostly slept through the night as long as someone was in the room with him and he had yet to create something too horrific in his nappy[1]. He was a perfectly normal, healthy human baby and he did all the things perfectly normal, healthy human babies did.

To prepare for their son Crowley had skimmed a few parenting books and had subscribed them to three parenting magazines. He'd been a nanny more than once. He'd even spent a year as a wet nurse[2]. He knew enough about babies to wing it without killing them.

Aziraphale had read no less than fifty books on parenting and he had nearly burned out the screen of his iPad, a wedding gift he'd come to adore, doing research. He had never spent any extended time around babies. He'd spent his time among discreet gentlemen and had never been a nanny. He'd blessed a few babies here and there and had had his hand in molding Warlock[3]for six years, but that had been less hands-on than Nanny Ashtoreth's job. He knew nothing useful about babies.

Every time Zac did one of his normal, healthy human baby things for the first time Aziraphale nearly discorporated from shock.

* * *

"Darling!" Crowley groans and swats lazily at the hand vigorously shaking his shoulder. "Crowley!"

It was night number two as father-like beings and Crowley just wanted a nice, relaxing nap before pulling himself out of bed to feed the baby. He'd taken on the main role of Baby-Keeper-Aliver while also showing his partner how to also keep the baby alive.

"He's making noises! Crowley!"

"He on fire?" The demon grumbles into his pillow.

"Crowley! I'm serious!" Aziraphale sounds ever so distressed so he sits up onto his heels. The angel has scooted the bassinet next to the bed and is fretting something awful.

Inside his rather stylish black bassinet Zac hiccups every ten seconds or so. He squirms and vaguely follows the blurry movement of the creatures peering down at him from above.

"Hiccups. He'll survive, angel." He snaps and manifests a pacifier that he shoves[4]into the baby's mouth.

The angel takes a deep, calming breath. "Oh thank goodness. I was so worried! He just wouldn't..." He trails off. Crowley has already flopped back onto his stomach and is asleep again.

* * *

Angels and demons did not need to dispose of any bodily waste no matter how much matter they consumed. It was assumed they could perform those functions if they really wanted to given that they could produce several human bodily fluids. Neither angel nor demon wanted to test out such disposal and so their toilet was mostly for show and human guests.

Young Zac, being a human, produced bodily waste. Aziraphale had read all about what could come out of a baby but nothing prepared him for the real thing.

"I warned you to use one of the burping cloths." Crowley grins lazily as he takes Zac from the angel so he can fret properly. In their time as a proper couple, he'd slowly convinced his angel to branch out clothing-wise. He still dressed like a prim and proper librarian but at least he was generally fashionable now. Currently, his very nice royal blue button-down had a streak of something awful running down the back of it. The demon keeps the shit-eating grin on his face as he wipes the baby's face and rubs his back soothingly. "I'm not miracling it away. You need to learn a lesson."

Aziraphale looks ever so close to crying. "He was crying! I needed to act quickly." He spins around in an attempt to see the damage. With a horrified moan he snaps his fingers and the mess is gone. Another snap finds him in a brand new shirt. He fans his face and takes several deep breaths that his corporeal form doesn't really need, but seems to calm him. Crowley briefly wonders if anyone has ever looked at Aziraphale and thought heterosexual[5].

"Get used to it, angel. This is a vomit machine." He pinches Zac's face to give him fish lips. "Aren't you? You're disgusting. Little disgusting demon baby. A naughty, naughty boy." He coos with all the affection in the world.

* * *

Aziraphale truly wanted to be the best father-like being he could be. He truly wanted to keep baby Zac safe and lead him toward a happy, healthy life, but it was hard. Babies screamed. Babies screamed and cried for no reason and nothing in the world seemed to make it stop. Even an angel had its limits and Aziraphale's patience was running thin.

It was his turn to wake with the baby. They didn't really need to sleep but somehow keeping a human alive exhausted the pair like nothing ever had. Plus they had agreed to give Zac as normal a life as possible and having your parents staring at you twenty-four hours a day was not normal.

Crowley barely stirs when Aziraphale slips out of bed and lifts the wailing baby out of his bassinet. He checks his nappy and finds it clean. He takes him into the kitchen and finds he isn't hungry. He checks his temperature and finds he is displaying normal human body temperature. He refuses his pacifier and doesn't fall for the usual trick of humming and rubbing his back.

"Please stop." He begs weakly as he settles down on the backroom sofa with the still crying baby. He's gone all purple and his little face is scrunched as he screams. "Please stop." He repeats. He's read all about this sort of crying but having the knowledge doesn't make it stop. "Stop." He finds his own face going red. The baby is carefully cradled in his arms and swaddled in a green blanket that is starting to compliment the color of his face. "Stop crying!" He feels the crackle of an unintended miracle. Zac stops crying in seconds. He blinks up at his parent with big, wet eyes.

Aziraphale closes his eyes at the sound of light, but angry footsteps[6] coming down the stairs and toward the backroom.

"We agreed to no magic, Aziraphale." He keeps his eyes closed as Crowley takes the child from him. "It's too dangerous. He's too small. You could scramble his brain! What were you thinking? Aziraphale! Look at me!"

He swallows loudly and looks up at his husband. The demon is very obviously angry with the way his eyes are all yellow and is swaying slightly like the serpent he is.

"He wouldn't stop crying. It was so loud and he looked like he was in pain. I just... I didn't mean to do it. I wanted it to stop. I wanted to help him." His demon closes his eyes briefly. When he opens them there's a little white to his sclera. "Next time come and get me, angel, or just put him down." He turns around and heads for the stairs. "Come on, angel. At least we'll get some sleep tonight."

* * *

There is a checklist of human baby milestones stuck to the refrigerator using a magnet Adam had given them. It was made of cracking air-dry clay and was supposed to be an apple. It looked like more of a red blob with green mold but it was the thought that counted.

Aziraphale keeps careful records of every milestone. He writes down the day he first notices baby Zac using a high pitched cry when he's hungry instead of the standard newborn wail. He writes down when the baby reaches for Anathema's necklace when she bends over to coo at him. Double-check marks when it comes to recognizing the difference between his parents. He always seemed to favor Daddy over Papa.

Crowley had given them their titles. It wasn't something they're ever thought to discuss but Aziraphale often heard Crowley chatting with Zac as if the baby could really understand him.

"Yes, yes. Grunt grunt. Do tell. Daddy is all ears."

"You can't eat Daddy's finger, you demon. You don't even have teeth."

"Good job peeing right in Papa's face. Excellent aim. I'm going to be telling that story for years."

"You are going to tell your papa that leaving the tin open is just going to make it spoil faster. If he won't listen to me then he'll listen to you."

"Daddy loves you, naughty boy."

He can't ever remember seeing Crowley smile so much. Once Adam had gone through his brief, week-long rebellious streak and Heaven and Hell and sent the official retirement paperwork the demon had slowly opened up. He still insisted he wasn't nice or sweet or kind, but since they had stopped dancing around each other he didn't seem to go about trying to hide his not-niceness as much. The baby had only brought more of that out of him. He loved children and he loved Aziraphale. He had both now and that seemed to be enough.

Aziraphale tries his best to grow into the role of parent. Children have never been his thing. He prefers good books and adults and generally anything that doesn't dirty a nappy ten times a day. He even enjoys the company of older children like Adam and his friends. Despite his attempts, he feels as though he just can't get things right. Zac won't take his bottle even though it is perfectly prepared. He cries when Aziraphale bathes him but only squirms when Crowley takes on the task. Sometimes he puts the nappy on all wrong or used too much or too little baby powder. He gets tutted at and patiently shown again and again. Even almost two months into father-like-hood he still found some way to not be Zac's favorite. Maybe he took too much after his angelic parent[7].

He was an angel. Children were supposed to be drawn to angels! He was supposed to be drawn to them! But he had never been very good at his job.

"I'll be less than an hour, angel. You'll survive. Tell him about the history of moveable type. He'll knock right out." The demon leans in and plants a kiss to the angel's still fretting lips. Then he kisses the baby he's holding on one chubby cheek. He's gone before Aziraphale can properly protest.

Zac's eyes follow the demon until he's out of his human baby vision and then his tiny attention turns to the sound of the bell over the door. Aziraphale stares at the door for far too long before sighing. He's never been left alone with his son and he's absolutely terrified.

"Well... I suppose you can play on your mat, hm? You always like that." Zac turns his attention to Aziraphale. He reaches an arm out to try and touch him and the angel slips his finger into his hand. "Precious thing..." He sighs when his finger gets a good squeeze and then gets drawn into a slimy little mouth. Slowly he heads up towards the stairs to the flat above them. "Papa is trying very hard." He starts to speak to the baby the way he's heard Crowley do it. It's not baby talk, though he's read that's a good idea too, but regular conversation. "I didn't think it would be so hard. All the books make it seem easy. Your daddy makes it seem easy. I suppose that's how it always is."

Zadkiel has eyes that are a dark blue with the barest tint of violet. They're focused on Aziraphale as he speaks. The angel scrunches his nose when he pulls his finger out of Zac's mouth. He subtly miracles away the coating of baby-slime. He glances down at those big eyes and smiles. Crowley would no doubt tease him for being disgustingly angelic at that exact moment. "You have to know Papa loves you, right? Because I do. I have loved you since you came through that door. I love you even when you spit up on me. I love you when you cry. I love you, precious thing." He doesn't expect the baby to react. He knows he has no idea what he's saying or doing. He's read all about milestones. He's got his chart in the kitchen.

Zac grunts and flaps his arms in that uncoordinated way only babies and drunks can manage. He smiles right up at Aziraphale. The angel gasps. He feels, first, tears well up in his corporeal eyes, and then feels the tiny wave of joy the child lets off. He leans in and kisses his forehead. "I love you. I love you."

He checks off another milestone and believes that maybe, just maybe, he's not doing such an awful job afterall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1That came at about two weeks in and Aziraphale had nearly cried at the sight.[return to text]
> 
> 2 Don't ask.[return to text]
> 
> 3 Much later they would hear through the grapevine, as it were, that Warlock had married a nice fellow from LA and had taken up archeology as a career. Crowley had near discorporated with laughter at the very thought of what Thaddeus Dowling's face had looked like when he'd received the news.[return to text]
> 
> 4 In reality he had gently coaxed it into his mouth, but Crowley would swim in Holy Water before admitting he was gentle. [return to text]
> 
> 5 They were sexless, genderless beings but Aziraphale had chosen to present as gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide. Crowley wasn't much better but he could at least pull off heterosexual human if he needed to.[return to text]
> 
> 6 Crowley wasn't very heavy. He really needed shoes on to properly stomp angrily.[return to text]
> 
> 7 Gabriel never seemed to like him. Crowley said it was jealousy, but he never clarified what the Archangel had to be jealous of for six thousand years.[return to text]

**Author's Note:**

> Please feel free to politely correct grammar and footnotes. I don't have a beta. I try to catch everything but I am human.


End file.
